


I hate myself for not having butterflies

by stayyhope



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Dubious Consent, F/M, Gen, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-08-19 01:36:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20201596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayyhope/pseuds/stayyhope
Summary: Jeongin, as he dates people, talks to his hyungs, and comes to terms with himself.(a.k.a "In which Yang Jeongin relates to "How can I say?" by Day6 way too much)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: 
> 
> Self-loathing, internalized aro-phobia vague mentions of transphobia and homophobia in the beginning, dub-con but nothing too extreme 
> 
> IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANY OF THESE PLEASE TAKE CAUTION IN READING
> 
> \----
> 
> me? projecting? and using my own sexuality crisis and exs/current partner as plot? hell yeah
> 
> this is no way reps jeongin or any of the boys or any of their real life experiences 
> 
> also my only beta is grammerly and i wrote it all at 1 am cause i was hyper on thai tea so big rip sorry

His first girlfriend is his best friend. 

They’ve known each other for a good few years, classmates though all of them. They used to have the same schedule, and when their original friend group eventually dissolved, they somehow stuck together. They learned together and made more discoveries about themselves and each other. 

She comes out to him as Transgender, and he’s the first to call her by her true name. He feels honored by the fact she trusts him enough. He stands by her when she comes out at school, giving pointed looks when people dead name her until they say it right and correcting them when they misgender her.

She’s the one who asks him, holding out a box of chocolates and a flower. It isn’t traditional, in a sense of “boys should make the first move” crap and he gets called names, but he says yes.

He has no reason not to, she’s wonderful and they’re best friends.

They just get a new name for each other, “boyfriend and girlfriend.”

She acts the same around him, and they’re normally together anyway so it’s not that much of a change from before. 

They find him when he’s alone and ask him if he’s gay, in less polite ways. He points out that she’s a girl, so why would he be gay? When asked about his sexuality, he shrugs.

He doesn’t know. 

When she asks him, he thinks for a while. 

He pours over LGBT+ websites, looking for definitions, trying to find some kind of label to give himself even though he shouldn’t need it. He shouldn’t define himself by labels but to find one gives him an odd sense of comfort. 

At 1 AM, she receives a single text.

“I’m asexual.”

* * *

Maybe that’s not the answer she’s looking for. She wants to know his romantic orientation, but he still doesn’t know. All he knows is he likes holding her hand, but the thought of going on dates, real dates, makes his stomach do flips. 

He auditions for some company, he passes. 

He moves to Seoul, they don’t talk for months. 

Just as she was the one to ask him out, she’s also the one to break up with him.

She tells him that she can’t do it, that she’s a lesbian and wants to just be friends. She claims it's her fault, but how can he believe that when he wasn’t even sure he loved her the way she wanted him to. They both felt like liars, but at least she could say she tried. He wasn’t so sure he could say that about himself. 

They keep in touch, occasionally she sends him pictures of her and her girlfriend. He’s happy she found love. 

* * *

He throws himself into training, too busy to date and too glad to tell people that. He realizes he doesn’t like girls, at all, but he finds boys so much easier to be with.

There's another trainee, and he realizes pretty early on that the boy likes him. Constantly finding ways to be with him, he finds he enjoys it. He likes being with the boy, he loves the hugs and the hand-holding they do whenever they can.

Is this what a crush feels like?

* * *

“So? Got anything to share Innie?” Jisung teases, they’re all in a huge pile on the floor next to the couch in the corner of one of the practice rooms. 

“Hm?” He hums in response, feigning ignorance. 

“Anything about a certain trainee I saw you snuggling up with?”

Oh.

He’s quiet, he forces a smile on his face and he laughs nervously. Not sure how he was supposed to react. 

“If you like him, we won’t judge.” He leans in, not really whispering, but keeping his voice low enough so it won’t carry outside the room. “When I first came, I had the fattest crush on Channie-Hyung.” 

The man in question snorts from the computer. 

“It was cute.” He admits.

He doesn’t look at anyone. He prays they take it as him being embarrassed rather than scared. Felix drapes his arm over Jeongin’s chest, and he feels comforted by the contact. 

“Do you like him?” Seungmin asks, propping his head upon his elbows. 

Does he? He isn’t sure. 

“Y-yeah.” He lies, hoping they’d get off his case. 

They don’t. 

* * *

For a month, there's a painful amount of one-sided flirting and awkward, shy smiles.

"God, just date him already. This is painful"

"You like him don't you? Get together then!"

"If he likes, you and you like him, just ask him out."

<strike>He wishes they would stop and ask him about his hesitation instead. </strike>

* * *

They end up dating, and he isn’t sure how it happens. They’ve never had an actual conversation before. All their outings have been in silence, enjoying each other's company. 

Jeongin isn’t one for words, and he doesn’t know how to start a conversation.

He kisses Jeongin one day before he leaves.

It’s not their first kiss when they first started showing interest, he would kiss Jeongin’s hand before he had to leave, and as time past Jeongin would kiss his cheek before leaving.

But this time it was on the lips.

He freezes, watching as the boy runs off to wherever he needed to go.

Did he want it? It was just a kiss, he should feel something. But he doesn’t feel anything.

That scares him.

* * *

They debut, and they’re so busy. Jeongin is even closer to them, more than he could have imagined. While he left an older brother back in Busan, he gained another eight.

He loved them. They were family. 

His family.

He finds it so easy to love them, though he never says it out loud. He pulls away and teases them. It’s so easy to love, but so hard to show.

Why can’t he feel the same way for his boyfriend?

* * *

They don’t talk for weeks. Are they still even dating? Jeongin isn’t sure.

He waits on the text telling him that “He’s tired” that “He’s moved on” that he can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t talk to him. 

Jeongin is sorry. He is so very sorry.

He wants to love him, but he can’t.

He thinks he knows why.

He stares at his phone, rereading blog posts describing their realizations and experiences. 

He relates.

He’s scared.

He cries to sleep that night.

* * *

His hyungs ask him how their relationship is.

How is he supposed to tell them he hasn’t talked to him in months? That he’s been a shitty boyfriend that doesn’t know how to return the poor boy’s feelings? 

How does he explain to his brothers that he feels like he’s been playing with the boy's heart? 

That the relationship his brothers have been rooting for since the beginning may not be real. 

Well, it is, and Jeongin doesn’t know how to break up with him. How to stop this before it gets even more out of hand.

But he’s a coward and waits.

* * *

Seungmin finds him curled up in bed listening to Day6’s “How can I say?” on repeat. He couldn’t describe how much he related to the song at the moment.

* * *

His brothers ask him again.

He snaps at them.

He gets in trouble.

Chan and Woojin ask him at separate times about what’s bothering him.

He doesn’t answer. 

He doesn’t want to explain how the guilt is eating him from the inside out, how he wishes he could love him. How he loves so much but doesn’t understand why he doesn’t feel anything for him. He doesn't love the other boy the way that he should. He doesn't understand.

That’s a lie.

He does understand.

And he hates himself for it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> dub-con kiss, similar to the last chapter, a couple of sentences w brief self harm (ie, digging nails into palms, yanking on hair) , uhh im not sure weither i would call it a panic attack, i dont want to call it something if it isnt, this is where im unsure how to put a warning for, so PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION
> 
> unbetad other than Grammarly cause i dont want my friends to read this *fingerguns* 
> 
> atchi if youre reading this ily but pls dont

Jeongin is proud to be asexual. 

Don’t get him wrong, he’s a complete mess when it comes to love. But he’s made peace with asexuality and will happily talk about the asexuality spectrum and where he falls on it.

Felix asks him a question one day.

“What does aromantic mean?”

He explains it slowly, he’s careful about his word choices, making sure to remind him that he’s not an expert. That Felix should do his research too. 

Felix does.

* * *

Felix comes out as Aro at the next group meeting.

Jeongin is happy for him. He really is. 

He’s one of the first to smother him in hugs and cracks a joke about them being the best Aro/Ace duo. 

He’s so happy for him.

* * *

He runs into him during a convenience store run. 

They hug, catch up, Jeongin keeps mentally making excuses to leave. 

He goes with him back to the trainer dorms and they just, lie on each other. 

And Jeongin feels so guilty.

He cups Jeongin’s face in his hand and gently pulls him closer. Slowly going in for a kiss, giving him time to pull away. 

His eyes look so soft, and he can feel the soft smile playing on his lips. 

Jeongin doesn’t pull away. <strike>He feels so guilty.</strike> He buries his head in the other’s shoulder.

“I missed you.” He murmurs.

He feels so guilty.

-

“Innie, can I talk to you?” 

Fuck.

He nods and follows him into the studio. 

Chan sits on the chair, gesturing for him to sit in the one across from him.

He pauses, before tentatively sitting down on the chair.

Chan talks about how worried he is, and how the other members have noticed him acting off.

Distancing himself from them, that's what he was doing.

He wasn't surprised they noticed, a small part of him wanted them too. 

"Jeongin-ah," He said softly, reaching out to hold his hands, unclenching them from where he unconsciously dug his nails into his palms. "What's bothering you?"

He blinks away the tears that had built up without his consent. 

What's bothering him? 

Maybe the fact he let himself get into a relationship. 

Maybe the fact a kind, wonderful, amazing guy fell for him and he can't find it in him to love him back.

Maybe the fact that he did fall in love.

But not romantically.

"Fuck." He whispers, "Fuck. Fuck!"

He pulls his hands away to run his hands through his hair, at some part he just starts yanking at it. 

So yeah, a lot is bothering him. 

Chan calls his name, and he hugs himself, trembling.

He wants to break something. He wants to hear the smashing of ceramic against a hard surface. He wants to

Vaguely he hears his brother asking if he can touch him, his hand hovering above his shoulder. He lets out a small whining noise, leaning into him. 

They don't talk, he can't. He's scared that he'll spill everything, that Chan will mock him, will yell at him for being a bad person. 

Because he is a bad person. He knows that.

But he also knows Channie-Hyung doesn't think that and neither will any of the Hyungs. 

He curses again, and he knows under any other circumstances he would be getting scolded. But at this moment, he can't be bothered to string together any coherent sentence. Chan lets him, softly rubbing his back as his sobs slowly die out. 

He just needs to get his frustration and anger out of his system, even though it will creep back in at night. When he's lying in bed trying to sleep. 

* * *

They get a break.

He doesn't tell him that he’s free.

Instead, he makes jokes about Felix being Kermit and blasts "It's not easy being green." around him. In return, he gets called Thanos and he wakes up to random objects painted purple. 

He stays in the dorms. He lets himself get closer to his brothers again, 

Ever since he cried in Chan-hyungs arms, he had, very slowly, and he means _very_ slowly, realized he was okay. 

Well, sometimes he has those thoughts that say he shouldn't. That he's more comfortable and affectionate with them than with his actual boyfriend. 

Technically, they're still together. Even though they never talk, they never broke up. 

Jeongin thinks they forgot.

Is it bad he's relieved?

Yang Jeongin is a coward. 

* * *

He's lying on top of Minho-Hyung when his phone goes off. 

He pokes his head up and checks his phone.

He's asking him if he wants to go out. He turns off his phone completely and snuggles further into his Hyung.

Is this cheating?

He doesn't love him that way though.

“Hm? Who was it?”

He starts petting his hair and Jeongin melts.

“Are we doing anything today?”

Please say yes. Please say yes.

“No, did you wanna do something?”

Jeongin traces patterns on the bedsheet. 

“Can we stay here?”

He wants to make up for the time he lost from pushing away his brothers, whom he loves.

He can say that confidently now.

He loves them.

But he’s still mad, so mad, at himself. 

He loves so much but not the way he wants.

Yang Jeongin knows why.

He still hates himself for it.

But it’s slightly more bearable.

Because Yang Jeongin’s chosen brothers love him. 

* * *

He loves saying the words, “I love you.”

He’s so happy to remind his brothers of that. 

Hyunjin-hyungs head is perched on his shoulder. He’s watching the videos on Jeongin’s feed. 

He sends him a meme. Jeongin’s heart skips a beat, and he swipes the notification away.

“You’re not gonna look at it?”

No, he should though. He deserves better than him.

He forces a smile and shakes his head. 

Hyunjin looks concerned.

“Did you guys fight? Do your hyungs need to beat him up?”

Panic spread across his face. 

“No! Don’t do that! It’s just…complicated.”

It’s not, but how does he explain this without a huge information dump and tears.

His eyes soften and he hugs him. 

“I’m here for you Innie.”

Jeongin knows. 

* * *

Jeongin likes Hyunjin.

Not romantically, just, as his friend.

As his brother.

He tells him one day, reminds him that he loves him.

Hyunjin’s presence is just so, comforting, to him. Jeongin isn’t sure why. But he loves being near him.

He googles what is it called.

Yang Jeongin has a squish on Hwang Hyunjin.

<strike>_Yang Jeongin is_ _**platonically** in love with Hwang Hyunjin._</strike>

-

He understands.

He still hates it.

He refuses to admit it, but he finds comfort in the label.

He will never admit it.

He swears he won't.

If he tells, he'll hurt people.

He doesn't want to hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading ! im really glad yall seemed to enjoy it and if yall wanna help an ace (aro/ace in denial) pls drop some advice for jeongin (coughmecough)
> 
> this will have a happy ending!!! it's gonna take a bit tho, cause ha life can be a dick


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big rip,,,im really obvious and cant lie for my life so hi irl friend,,,yeahhhhhh it gets better eventually soon somehow i swear

He thinks he’s okay.

He’s happy, he knows his brothers are accepting, even though he doesn’t wanna tell him.

He’s never said the words, but he’s content.

He likes to believe he can 

It doesn’t last long.

“Innie-ah!” A familiar voice calls out. He forces a smile on his face and turns to face his boyfriend. 

His brothers laugh and one of them pushes him toward him playfully. He makes a face at them but he gets pulled into a hug. 

His heart is racing but not in a good way. 

He feels like a liar. 

He feels the weight of his arm around his shoulders and he gets pulled into his side. 

Jeongin and he end up walking ahead of them, at one point he goes to kiss Jeongin but he ducks away. Someone from their group shouts at them to keep it pg. 

Jeongin wants to cry.

-

“Jeongin, this is an intervention.”

What the fuck.

He blinks up at them, it’s the ’00 line who had grabbed his arms and dragged him to their room. 

Seungmin has this stern look on his face, and Jeongin can’t quite read the others. They all sport this blank, serious look, and he’s getting nervous.

“What’s up with you and him. It looked really awkward and don’t deny it. I saw how you pulled away.”

Jeongin looks down and shrugs.

“Do you like him anymore?”

He shakes his head no, deciding to be honest. 

“Wait?” Jisung exclaims in surprise, eyes wide.

He feels himself going red and nods slowly, eyes downcast.

“Just break up with him. You clearly want to. He’s absolutely whipped for you.”

“I know.”

“It’s only gonna hurt more, for both of you.”

“I know.”

“The four of us will write the text, this isn’t healthy.”

That gets him to look up. 

“No! He deserves better than some breakup over text!”

“Then you do it!”

He shakes his head again, and they sit in silence for a good while. Felix and Hyunjin sat on either side of him, he feels them staring at his head. 

“Jeongin…” Jisung trailed off, “You need to talk to us about this.”

He stayed quiet, refusing to meet their eyes. 

Seungmin scoffs, “I’m going to the company.”

“Don’t…Don’t tell him anything.” 

He turns to look at him, looking slightly offended, “Obviously not, what kind of person do you think I am?”

The door slams behind him and Jeongin tries to stop his hands from shaking.

“I want you to know I agree with him, on breaking up, but you have your reasons and I hope you can trust us enough to tell,” Hyunjin whispers, placing a comforting hand on his knee. 

He feels his eyes welling up with tears that he blinks away, “I just…I have a hard time opening up. And I know I really should fix this. I should. But breaking it off, it makes something I’m not ready to admit.” His words catch in his throat, “It makes it too real. It scares me. I don’t want it to be real.”

“Oh, Jeongin…” 

Felix gives him a sad stare, and he’s hit with a wave of emotions.

Why can’t I let myself be happy?

Why can’t I break it off?

Why do I believe it’s okay for him but not me?

Fucking hell, he hates his brain.

They hold him as he cries.

-

He needs to tell someone.

It’s 2 am, and he brings up a contact he hasn’t touched in years.

He sends her two words.

She says that she’s thankful he trusts her enough to tell him. 

His heart feels a slight bit lighter.

-

“Hey, you’re dating that one trainee right? You guys look good together, I’m happy that you guys seemed to last so long.” 

Bambam is visiting Channie-Hyung in the dorms and Jeongin ran into him in the kitchen. He forces a shy smile on his face and thanks to his Hyung. He knew idol relationships were a bit of open secret to the idol community, but to hear people comment on it makes his stomach flip.

“He’s a good kid, I’m glad you two met.”

He leaves in a hurry if only to stop himself from throwing up. 

-

Jeongin has successfully avoided him for almost a week, having memorized the other boy’s schedule. 

He knows how bad this is, he’s even got the ’00 liners to help him out. Seungmin excluded.

His Hyung asked him privately about what he was going to do, and Jeongin had admitted he would selfishly rather get run over than break it off and admit the thing he doesn’t want to. Jeongin understands though, he is being selfish. 

He doesn’t tell his Hyung that he’s been looking at therapies to ‘fix’ him. 

He knows they’re bullshit, but he wonders sometimes…

-

Jeongin knows he’s selfish. He’d rather keep a relationship that is barely afloat, alive, rather than say the words and break up with him. 

He knows stretching this out will only hurt them both in the end, one more than the other, and he knows that if he doesn’t do something soon than he may lose more than he wants to. 

-

He spends a few more nights crying to “How Can I Say? By Day6.

His hyungs seem worried, he tells them he’ll fix it. Eventually.

-

He’s walking down the hallway when he hears footsteps and faint shouts of his name. He stops to look around, but shrugs it off and keeps going. He hears it again.

It’s a trainee, one of the friends of his, and he’s pushing his boyfriend back, and somehow puts him in a headlock.

“Do you think he,” He pauses for dramatic effect and ruffles his hair, “Is cute?”

Jeongin looks at the situation with wide eyes, inside he’s screaming, but outside he just smiles and nods. 

The boy laughs, pushing his boyfriend toward him. “Told you, dumbass!” He calls out before sprinting back down the hall he came from.

He walks away slowly, but before he can leave, he grabs his hand. He looks nervous, Jeongin is scared.

“Hey, I got a question…” He’s getting shy and sways him side to side, trying to pull him closer but Jeongin is pulling away. 

Jeongin gives him a questioning look and wants to punch himself for wanting to him to say something along the lines of breaking up. 

He laughs nervously, using his other hand to rub along his neck. 

“I just, I gotta ask you something?”

Jeongin tilts his head but is constantly checking the time on his phone. 

The cycle repeats a couple more times before Jeongin says something about needing to buy things for the group on his way home. He lies and says Woojin-Hyung is expecting him soon. 

He looks disappointed but lets him go, as Jeongin walks out the lobby, he feels like he can breathe. 

He avoids him for almost two weeks. 

-

“You aren’t shitty for wanting to break up with him, you’re being shitty for letting this go on.”

Jeongin can’t sleep. He can't get Seungmin’s comment out of his head, even though its been ages since they’ve actually talked. 

Giving up, he sneaks into Chan’s bed and snuggles up to him. 

Chan hums in confusion but puts his arm around him, pulling him close.

“Hyung, I really love you guys. I feel like you’re my real brothers.”   
  
Chan kisses his head softly, “We love you too Innie, I want you to remember that.” 

He curls into his brother, comforted by his presence.

-

The next day he pulls Seungmin into an empty room. 

“Two weeks. I promise.” He breathes.

Seungmin searches his face for something then nods. 

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

-

He finds Felix that afternoon and steels himself to tell him. 

Jeongin isn’t ready to face everything, but he wants to at least make an effort.

Even if it might come back to bite him in the ass.


	4. Chapter 4

Felix agrees to help him write a breakup text, even though he told him he should probably do it in person. 

Jeongin tells him that he doesn’t like him anymore, that they never talked, that it was so awkward around each other. He doesn’t tell them that they’re the same, but Jeongin can’t admit it at all. 

He tells his Hyung his fears. How scared he is that they’ll be mad, how he knows how irrational this fear is and how he’s so, so mad at himself for putting himself in the situation that will drag others down. Felix holds him as he cries and asks if he can get one other the other hyungs for help. 

Changbin comes in with a warm hug and Gyu. He allows himself to melt into his arms as Felix explains for him. Burying his head into the stuffed Pokemon, he feels tried. He never should have said yes.

His hyung presses a soft kiss on his head and he feels oddly relaxed. 

-

His deadline is approaching soon. 

9 days. 

It’s an ‘off’ day, and he’s having a hard time focusing. 

He grabs onto Jisung’s sleeve as they’re walking in the car and he isn’t sure how hard he’s holding on. He just wants his Hyung. 

“Innie? Are you okay?”

He shakes his head and Jisung lets him lean closer, resting his head on the elder's shoulder. Jisung snakes his arm around and rubbed circles into the back of his neck. 

They arrived and Jisung softly pulled him out of the car. Vaguely he registered the other members voicing their concern, “M’fine, just…tired.”

Jeongin pulled away from him, to walk on his own, practice wouldn’t start for another hour, so he made his way to the front of their practice room and sat on the floor, back against the wall. He could hear people talking, but he couldn’t seem to get his head up. 

He felt someone nudging his leg and he forced himself to look up.

“Jeongin? Wanna go out with me for lunch?”

His stomach lurched, but he gave him a soft smile, “Sure…” He trailed off, distracted. Jeongin should have said no, he knew if he ended up nodding. “I gotta…I have to get inside and warm up.” He murmured, slowly getting up. His boyfriend offered his hand out to pull him up, but he was already standing. 

“I’ll see you at lunch?”

“Y-yeah…”

Jeongin is not okay. When his hyungs walk in he latches onto them, holding their wrists in his hand if only to remind him that they’re there. 

He sees the concerned looks they shoot his way, but he shakes his head, making his way to his position. 

He makes it through practice relatively okay, but he’s so nervous. 

He stalls in front of the practice room at lunch, standing with Seungmin, Minho, Woojin, and Chan. They’re talking about—something, actually Jeongin isn’t sure. But soon he sees him coming towards them, Seungmin gives him a look that he ignores, choosing instead to look at the approaching figure. Jeongin smiles at him.

“You ready to go?” He tugs Jeongin’s arm away from the group, but he doesn’t move.

Jeongin looks at the floor, “I don’t think I wanna go...” 

He furrows his brows, “You sure?”

“I’m tired, and don’t wanna walk anywhere.”

“Then wanna just sit with me in one of the dorms?”

He hesitates but nods, allowing him to be lead away. His heart is racing and he just wants to getaway. But he doesn’t.

There are people there, he feels slightly better. They leave, he feels slightly worse. 

They’re sitting and Jeongin plays with his phone case, wanting to be able to see if anyone texts him, pulling him away. 

He talks nonsense for a bit and Jeongin scrolls through his twitter feed. They grow quiet for a while before he breaks the silence, “You know, I’m kinda hungry.” 

Jeongin nudges him, “Go get food then.” 

He scrunches his face up before replying, “But I want to spend time with my boyfriend.”

“But you should eat.”

“I can eat later, I wanna be with you.” 

Jeongin feels the guilt crawling up his throat. 

He pinches at Jeongin’s arm and he flinches away. 

“You’re so skinny now.”

Jeongin shrugs, he hasn’t been hungry recently, and his anxiety has been making it hard to finish his food. At some point, he had snaked his hard around Jeongin’s waist and he panics, pushing his arm away.

There are 7 minutes of break left before he has to meet Woojin and Seungmin for vocal practice. 

“Hey, I have to leave for vocal practice.” 

“Isn’t it a bit early?” 

“I needed Woojin-hyung to bring my notebook from the dorms, I wanted to make sure he had it before practice starts.” He lies.

He looks upset and pulls him closer. 

“M’kay,” He says, disappointed, “I love you.” 

No. No. No. No. Not now. Jeongin is going to burst into tears. 

Instead of replying, he buries his face in his shoulder. 

“Come on, say it back.” 

He shakes his head no, he doesn’t want to lie. Well, he’s already lied enough, but he can’t say this lie. 

“I don’t even say it to my parents.” He lies in a whiny voice. 

“But say it for me?” 

He shakes his head again.

“Do you not love me?”

“I...I have a hard time saying it.” 

Which is a bold-faced lie, with how much he loves making sure that his brothers know he loves them.

He hums in disappointment, and as Jeongin gets up, his boyfriend grabs his wrist and pulls him in for a kiss. 

Jeongin turns his head to the side, and he ends up kissing his cheek. He tries to pull away again, but he hasn’t let go of his hand. Jeongin can feel his heart racing, he’s scared. He forces himself not to look around to see who’s watching him having an internal breakdown.

“You’re not gonna kiss me back?”

Jeongin gives him a peck on the cheek before pulling his arm away. 

“I meant a kiss on the lips.”

He acts like he didn’t hear him and waves, walking away. He wants to run but can’t. So he settles for a brisk walk. The moment he knows he’s out of view, his face falls.

Seungmin sees him first and shoots him a questioning thumbs up. He says nothing and throws his arms around his hyung. 

He doesn’t cry, but it feels like he will. 

-

There’s a group meeting that night. He has Felix explain for him. He still can’t bring himself to say it, and he doesn’t tell anyone why he wants to break up with him.

He tells them that he’s too scared and he’ll fix it. 

Felix writes him the breakup text that night. 

It’s too real. He cries. 

-

“Wow, you and him are so cute together!” 

“I love how you guys aren’t ‘attached at hip’ like other couples. It’s a good reminder that you’re your own person”

“So...what do you know about him, hmm?”

“How big is his dick?”

Jeongin is going to scream, or cry, or both. 

His friends have been catching him without his brothers and have been saying things. Asking him questions he didn’t know the answer to, nor did he want to answer.

Chan pulls him away privately, “He’s going to ask you to visit his family over the next holiday. I wanted to warn you now.” 

He nods in muted terror. 

Jeongin rereads the text that night. 

He’s going to send it soon. 

5 days.


	5. not an update sorry-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhh

ahhhh hi hello

this is ann and im sorry for not updating for such a long time

school really kicked my ass with a whole ton of projects and my first college class ever

but yeah this is NOT abandoned im still writing it and editing the chapters i still have up cause wow i wrote those at like 3 am with just venting ((ignoring the fact its 3 am rn-)))

also im figuring out myself too cause ahhh this situation messy and ongoing so of course, im gonna vent this out through making jeongin go through this too

I WILL COME BACK

school and life is just a little bitch

thank you and sorry ahh

<3

**Author's Note:**

> hhhh okay so this is basically a vent fic where i push my shitty sexuality/romantic crisis onto jeongin 
> 
> the way i show him reacting and his train of thought is very similar to the way i think and how i come to accept myself/am coming to accept myself so big oof


End file.
